Depression gets really repetitive. It’s the same issues over and over. Frankly, it’s kind of boring. It gets to the point where I don’t want to bother sharing my mental state because I feel like everyone else will feel the same way: What, this again? Why are you just saying all the things you did last time? It’s not like it helps. Why don’t you just be quiet until it goes away again?
I know, rationally, that the people I care about don’t feel that way. It’s not even like I’m afraid of that reaction. It’s primarily that the exchange gets old.
“I’m depressed and don’t know how to fix it.”
“We love you and support you no matter what.”
And eventually, the depression subsides for a while, or I’m back to the psychiatrist for a medication adjustment. But it always comes back. I’ve been clinically depressed for most of my adult life. I don’t see it just going away any time soon. I always hope that I’ll find some point of stability, but I certainly don’t expect it.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for when I reach out to other people. I guess part of it is just the desire to externalize some of what I’m feeling, even if that feeling is exactly the same as it was X units of time ago. Sometimes the unconditional support helps. Sometimes it’s just frustrating. The knowledge that it’s all they can really do, but it still won’t actually fix things. I’m helpless, they’re helpless, my doctor and therapist can just help patch things up for a while and keep it from getting worse.
I’m really sick of this cycle.