My mind is all buzzy right now. Way too much to be creative. It’s generally that good sort of anxiety (work aside, which is another story). I’ve been socializing more, taking more risks, trying some new things. I’ve gone to strange places and I am planning on trying out a new instrument.
I guess the depression meds are working, which is a plus.
Whenever I make my life this active, though, it always leads to a persistent, low-level anxiety. This occasionally reaches near panic-level at times, like in the hours before a party I planned. I find this greatly diminishes the positive experiences in my life.
I mean: here I am, doing the things a normal person is supposed to do, right? Getting out, doing things, making the most of the time they have. And while I do have fun, there’s always this undercurrent of fear. Fear that I’m not doing things “right”. Fear that I’m forgetting something in all the hectic energy. Fear that by focusing on myself, I will end up inadvertently hurting someone else in the process.
It’s a complicated experience. It’s also a really good time to avoid caffeine. I tried that yesterday and it was not a good combination.
So I’m writing this early tonight, with only a short window between work and another novel social engagement in a strange environment. I’m forcing myself not to ponder too hard about why I’m doing all of this. I’m pretty sure I could talk myself out of it with a little work.