Nothing Begets Nothing

Nothing begets nothing begets nothing…

I do nothing all day. I come home and do nothing.

At work, I say it is because there is nothing for me to do. This is a lie. There is just nothing I have to do. Nothing required of me but to be there.

At home, I say it is because I am too tired. That nothing interests me. This is a truth. This is the depression I am living with. I can do whatever I want and I choose to lie down and do nothing.

There are reasons for this. Temporary ones, I hope. This does not make it less painful or less draining. I feel like my brain is slipping away, bit by bit. My memory fogs. The day passes by without event. Another one of the limited count, gone forever, with nothing to show for it.

I am supposed to be looking forward. Things are stable right now. I have all the time in the world to make a plan, act on it, decide where I will be a year from now. Many people dream of an opportunity like what I have now. I am privileged beyond most peoples’ hopes.

Yet still I do nothing. Just plod through the day, dragging my feet both literally and metaphorically. I don’t want to think of the future. It is too hard. I do not want to plan, to act. It is too much energy. Instead, I simply let my brain go on a loop.

Nothing to do. Nothing to want. Why am I here? Why are any of us? There is no meaning, not now. Will there ever be again?

Repeat times infinity.

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